S.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009,9:36 AM

Verge.

There's this weird sense of negativity living inside of me at the moment. The way I look at things is in such a un-optimistic kind of way. I'm always sad, upset or crying. I'm starting to think I'm on the verge of breaking down. And with the stress of things surrounding me, it's a possibility. I'm not trying to sound "emo" or pathetic or anything.. it's just how I feel these days.

For instince, there's school.. I only have ONE subject. Just one. And tell me why I'm still failing.. Why ? Usually, I'd blame the teacher, but I'd put this one on me. Latily, when it comes to school, I am soooooooo lazy. I just don't give a shit. And why ? ITS ONLY ONE SUBJECT. It really cannot be that difficult. I really need to step it up a looooot more since applying to uni/college is soon. My dad is already pushing me to do the things he assumes will make me happy. But luckily, I'm not giving in. I've been having the funniest dreams latily, involving this same guy. It's really starting to bother me that I have no clue what it means or what they're telling me. It's so weird. Another thing that's weird is how my social life is suddenly being compared to a garden that hasn't been watered in weeks. I am so lost with this world. Yes, I go out.. on Fridays, Saturdays. But that's really all. I'm barely in school, and I have NO clue what's happening at all. I tend to find out things from other people, usually weeks later. It's sad. But then again, I contradict myself when I say that because I kind of WANT to be away from a lot of people. I'm forcing myself to because I want this. I want to be MIA. I deleted my Facebook for a reason. Practically everyone I see at school always says to me, "Omg, I never see you anymore ! Where've you been ?" Co-op, is always the answer. You know, that's another thing... My life basically is revolving around it. I'm always tired, but I somewhow try to find the energy for things. I try to give time for myself but I never do. Only thing I've done so far, is party. Party, party, party. October was the party month. Almost every single Friday night, there wasn't a party that I didn't go to. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm turning into some next Paris Hilton or whatnot. I like partying. It's fun. But the drinking part, not so much. It's funny how I use to be this very conservative girl when it came to drinking. But now, I do.. Maybe I should stop, maybe I shouldnt. It's not a bad thing, but then again, it is. Now that I look back on all of this, I really think I need to prioritize myself. Take time off from this world, and just keep low for a while. It's probably the best option for me right now. I need to start living for moments and not for people anymore. I need to start living for me, again. :)

Labels: somewhat a vent