S.

Thursday, July 30, 2009,1:24 PM

Realization

It's been four days since I've arrived back from Alaska; and it's so annoying. I really didn't want to come back home to all this "drama nonsense". I hate it. It's kind of like I didn't even go on vacation. Instead the whole time, in my mind, all I could think about what was, "What COULD go wrong while I'm gone ?" Seems to me, a lot can happen in a week, with or without your presence.

Ever since I've been home, I've started to feel so mad, bitchy, not-taking-shit-from-anyone-kind-of-feeling. I'm just really mad at the world. Not everyone in particular, but just all the bad things happening around me at the momento. I'm mad at the fact that some friendships are turning strained. I'm mad at my girl's ex breaking her heart, after three years of a healthy relationship; and just running away like it's nothing. I'm mad at the immaturity that some people do in order to get attention. I'm mad at the stupudity that I'm witnessing with some of my friends. I'm just so mad. Most of all, I'm trying my best to get through all of this slowly in one week, but I'll obviously be okay right ? One of my best friends, Alyssa, once told me how I'm a silent mourner; and that when I'm sad or down; it's only because I think about it, alone; yet I don't say anything. But when I'm around my friends, I know how to handle myself being sad. I do my best keeping myself looking okay. It's kind of a positive thing of mine.

One night when I was in Vancouver, I think I had a epiphany.. It was weird because when I woke up, it felt as if it were so real, as if it really DID happen.
I was at a party, drinking and somewhat tipsy. I did the odd move of running in and out of the house. I ended up running outside. I saw this soft, odd looking kind of guy, one of those guys that seemed nice and just a good person.. I somehow caught that person smoking a cigarette. I immediately ran up to him pushed them. I recall telling him how he was fucking up his life, and how I hated worrying and staying mad at him. I also said something about how I didn't want to care anymore, but I do because I don't want to watch him fall downhill. So then, that person looked at me, dropped the cigarette, and walked away. I just stood there like ??, and went back inside and witnessed my drunk friends attempt to hit a pinata blindfolded. LOL. A few hours later or so, everything seemed calm, so I walked outside and all I could see were police and caution signs everywhere. I heard an ambulance and I had no clue what was going on. All I remember is a girl coming up to me saying that someone died. I didn't know who the person was nor did I care, so instead of being noisy, I just went home. Immediately I went on the computer, and logged onto MSN. All I could see is all over peoples display names saying R.I.P., I was like, "OH it's probably someone I don't know. But R.I.P. anyway...." It wasn't until Alyssa msged me telling me who it was that died. I was in total shock. Turns out, it was the guy I pushed smoking the cigarette. I felt something sank in my insides. When I got up, all I could see was me wearing black at a funeral. Family, friends, everyone was crying. But then I saw some of his other friends, a few didn't seem to be sad. I saw one guy crying over him, asking "Why ?". I stood over his coffen and looked at him. I felt my heart was pounding hard enough as if it wanted to get out. Quick seconds later, we all somehow ended up at the graveyard burying him. Everyone started turning around and leaving. I was one of the last people to leave. I felt so sad inside, that I just ran and left. A few days later, I was outside my house, and saw a familiar person walking.. He turned around and it happened to be the same guy that had died. I was like, "What the fuck ??", ran up to him and was like "I swear you died." Guy just looks at me, and walks away, as if he doesn't know me. He then ran into a couple of his friends and ran away. I was like to myself, "Why does he look so different ? He wasn't the same person that I remembered.. " That was because he was somebody else; the other person whoever that was had died. I went back inside and was about to write on my blog.. until I woke up. I was literally in total shock. I thought my whole dream was real, until I realized.. The person in my dream/epiphany was alive. But his old soul was dead. Kind of how people change. And there's nothing you can't do about it, but accept that they've changed and the fact that the old them is gone; (I think of it like the T.I. song, "Dead and gone" LOL .. okay.) I guess that really told me something. If your reading this and don't get it, then it's okay, because it's my realization, not yours. I still find it rather interesting how some messages you need to know, come to you. I guess I'm done talking now. Don't mind me not making sense in some parts. Okay, bye.

Labels: epiphany ?, fuck you, vacation

Tuesday, July 14, 2009,11:33 PM

Goodbye Mississauga, Hello Vancouver !

Ugh, so I'm kind of leaving on a bad note. But, I feel that I have every damn right to be so fuck it, whatever. So anywho, I went bowling with Guarins and Ira today. Omg, I think I literally was off focus with my bowling because I ended up getting 20 ?. And for the first time in my life, I never got a strike :/. And Alyssa + Ira kept laughing at me for pushing the bowling ball really slowly on the floor. I tried to go closer at one point, that I passed the black line - tripped and fell on my ass. It was fucking painful ! Fml. Yeah, no wonder I kept losing today. I totally was off focus. I was too mad. UGGGGGGGGGH ! *sigh* Well, I don't know if I'll be able to get the chance to update my blog every once in a while when I'm gone. We're definetly not bringing the laptop (which kinda makes me sad) and I don't think we'll come across and Apple computer stores (techinically my MAIN internet access source when I'm away) in Alaska, nor will there be any on the cruise boat.. maybe. Hopefully so. But lucky enough, my family and I are staying in Vancouver for 4 days. Which is exciting to me, since the last time I've been there I was 2. And a couple times when I had to travel afloat to other countries via plane. Techincally the airport, is what I mean. Well, I hope it's nice there. Good thing I'll get to see what it's like on the west side of Canada. I think we might visit Seattle too. I don't know yet. *sigh* After all that, Alaska. Ehlaskaaaaah. I really don't wanna go :/ ... Oh shit, I feel cold already just thinking about it... I'M GOING TO ALASKA.... IN JULY.... WHAT.. THE .... FUCK ???!? Honestly, in a million years, never have I thought that I would go there, nor would I think anyone else would either. It's odd. Will I see polar bears ? Igloos ? Eskimos ? Sarah Palin ? Russia ??! Omg I do NOT know........ So help me God. But okay, I guess I should look on the bright side, and remember I'm leaving.. I'm leaving this shit place, and I really needed a vacation right ??! :). Well, let's just smile okay ? *smiles* I'll totally be okay, I really need a vacation. Well, so long Mississauga ! I'll be back by the 26th. <3 Hope everything isn't so stressful when I come back.

Labels: fuck alaska, i'm everywhere, i'm supergirl, they stop and stare, those flashing lights, vancouver

Monday, July 13, 2009,12:22 AM

And another one ! (late night post).

Found my old note on Facebook from last year, time
to revaaaaaamp it.

1. I've come to realize that my life:
isn't all that it's cracked up to be.. But it's okay because everything happens for a reason.
God will never put you in a situation where he can't
take you out."

2. I've come to realize that when I talk:
I have the whitest voice ever. LMAO !

3. I've come to realize that, if I love someone (not family):
I love them a lot.

4. I've come to realize that I need:
to start packing up for Alaska in two days.

5. I've come to realize that I've lost:
$40 worth of shopping money today (which was suppose to be saved for Tuesday) FML.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when:
girls wear red nailpolish.. Yuuuuuuck ! (n).

8. I've come to realize that money:
is hard to put in my hand, I waste it easily.. (*See #5.)
I need a job.

9. I've come to realize that:
no one can ever change a person. The only way a person can really change is if they make the change themselves.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be:
short (n).

11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on:
Timothy Delaghetto :). HAHA !

12. I've come to realize that the last time I cried was:
when I saw this women crying about her struggles on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, fuck. LMFAO, SHUT UP !

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is:
is awesome. LG Shine baby, hands down. I don't really like the new phones out now.

14. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
I open my eyes, look at the weather outside, then go back to sleep.

15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night I:
do the regular, and just think ?

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
going to sleep in a bit. *yawns*

18. I am:
Ms. Stephanie Ann Tuscaño Alcantara Sanchez

19. I've come to realize that today I will:
figure out what I'll be doing today. LOL

20. I've come to realize that tonight I will:
be packing up for Alaska.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will:
be going downtown with Alyssa, Trina and Ira ! : D

22. I've come to realize that I really want:
to buy a lot of things that I don't need.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is:
someone who comes across my blog, and go "Oh haaay ! I wanna do this too.."

24. I've come to realize that relationships:
are nice if you're with the right person.

25. I've come to realize that love:
gives off too much pressure at a young age.

26. I've come to realize my best guy friend(s):
are jokers.

27. I've come to realize my best girl friend(s):
are also jokers.

28. I've come to realize that food:
is good, but can make some body parts bigger than others.

29. I've come to realize, when I’m a girlfriend I:
give more than I receive. (as in emotionally, mentally and sometimes socially.)

31. I've come to realize over the winter:
it's sad because it get's darker at 4:30 :(.

32. I've come to realize heartbreak:
sucks. But it eventually heals and makes you stronger in the end.

Labels: LOL, questions, realized

Saturday, July 11, 2009,6:24 PM

thunderstorm @ 8am ?

Uhhhm, so yesterday I went to Sam's house. We had interesting
discussions. I ended up not staying as long as I wanted to; but
luckily before I left, Sam and I grabbed some eggs and .......
(Nvm, I won't expose) LMAO ! But yeah, that mission was a fail
because ....... and yeah. Whatever was suppose to happen is only
between me and Sam LOL.
Reason why I had to leave early was because I had to meet up with
Guarin to go to the Gateway event. We were somewhat late, and we
had to get Mark Profeta at Square One terminal, since he kind of
missioned all the way from Toronto just to go there. I felt bad
because we made him wait almost half an hour. MYYY BADDDD ! LOL.
Well eventually we got Mark, and all of us missioned to Gateway,
including other people, who I'm too lazy to mention.
So, we arrived at Gateway, and it was pretty interesting. First
thing I heard when I walked in was a girl singing Michael Jackson's
"Man in the Mirror". It was nice, I liked it :). Well, I'm too
lazy to write down what else happened, but overall, the performances
were really good, except the mike was kinda lagged. But the people
who performed were good still. :)
Anywhoooo, to top off my day, I bussed back to Sam's house. We
chilled and did whatever, until I went home. The end <3

Labels: gateway fundraiser, sams house

Friday, July 10, 2009,1:03 PM

I'm on a boat muthafucka.

So, last night I had the strangest dream ever. From what I
remember; I was on a boat, a yacht, or some next big submarine
shit thing. I was in a classroom with a couple of people, who
I forgot.. and we weren't really working. More like, just talking.
When class was over, I went to my locker which is beside my class.
Whats odd about my classroom door looked like one of those hotel
room doors, where you have to swap the card in, and stuff. Odd :/.
After I dropped some of my stuff in my locker, stupid me forgot
half my shit in the classroom. But I didn't realize that until
later on. So anywho, I went to the top of the deck, and everyone
was like, "Ursela's attacking the boat !" and I'm like "Wtf ? Who ?"
and Samantha Villanueva was there, and she was like, "You know ? from
the little mermaid ?" and I'm like, "Okay...." then I realized I
left my stuff in the classroom, so I ran there. Once I got there,
it was too late, and there was water everywhere.. and the room
was locked, and I didn't have that card thingy with me. So then I
was like, "Oh shit !", and yeah. But then I realized it was the
wrong class, and it was the open doored class beside me. It was so
retarted. The janitor was in there cleaning out water. He gave me
a plastic bag and told me to get out of there asap. So I did, and
I went back on deck. Sadly, all my things got drenched in the water,
but it was whatever. Once I got back on the deck, all I could see
was Ursela attacking the boat. It was so scary because the boat was
shaking, and all you could see was her spitting out things and
knocking everyone and everything over. It was so weird. I was afraid
that she'd eat me or something. There was this pregnant, girl somewhat
struggling, so I went to help her out. But then Ursela threw something
at her stomach and she fell to the ground. She ended up losing her
baby, I think ? .. But in overall, It really was so fucked; and I was
like actually scared. Later, Monica Yiu comes in with souvineers
from Alberta, and was about to give me mine - until Ursela attacked
her and took her souvineers.. it was so weeeeird. After that, Monica,
the unknown pregnant girl, Sam, and I just sat there waiting for
Ursela to leave..... Alyssa randomly comes and then kills her with
some fork or something. It was funny. But then after that, I woke
up, and literally was like, "What the fuck ?" It was soooooo weird.
Never again, hopefully.

Labels: the little mermaid, weird dream, wtf

Thursday, July 9, 2009,4:22 PM

BORED SOMEONE TAKE ME OUT.

FML FML FML FML. I hate Alyssa Guarin !!!!!!!!
She's preventing me from going out today ! FUCK !
>: /

Last night, I kept tossing and turning in bed since
I could not sleep whatsoever. I'm starting to go back
to my "sleeping late mode". I hate it... just because
when I wake up, I wake up at a late time like; 12, 1
or 2. Sometimes 4. Ughh.

I'm getting mad at summer. It's pissing me off. Bye.

Labels: fml, gay summer, sleeping late

Wednesday, July 8, 2009,10:52 AM

So I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know if I'll be back again.

I'm currently getting ready on my way to Marcys to visit
the world at summer school. I'm somewhat ready and stuff.
I feel so weird cause I woke up super early this morning
just to get ready. :(... For the time being, I decided to
watch some "Michelle Phan" on Youtube. She's the Viet girl
that does makeup tutorials. She's pretty awesome, if you
ask me. LOL at her voice, it's so calm and soothing. :P
*sigh* I'm listening to old school music right now. Such
as the one that's my title at the moment. Kiss me and
smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me. Hold me like
you'll never let me go ..Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane,
don't know if I'll be back again. Oh babe, I hate to go.
Well main reason why I'm going to Marcys today is cause
Ariel and I are chilling and watch Transformers 2 @ AMC.
Either that, or some next movie.. but I'm not so sure what's
out. I think Hangover ? .. I heard that movie's beyond funny.
HAAAAAH, I don't know. But I'll get back to this later. BYE !

Labels: movies, old school medley music, summer school

Tuesday, July 7, 2009,5:29 PM

Goodbye Michael Jackson.

Just earlier today, I was watching the Michael Jackson memorial
on CNN, BET, MTV, Muchmusic, E!, and Channel 24. It's interesting
on how much Michael Jackson held such a big impact on the music
industry. I don't think there's any other artist out there that
can top that. He will really be missed, :(.

Well it's another day, and my father still refuses to let me go out
and have my fun. : / Except yesterday I went out and for the first
time ever, he let me use my debit card. : D ! Except, I was on a $40
budget, so yeah : /. My dad kept telling me if I "passed the test",
then I could use it whenever, wherever.. just as long as I stay on
budget. But sadly, I killed that promise by walking into Jean Machine,
and bought myself a $33 dark blue high-wasted skirt. OHKKKKKKKAY, not
so bad right ? .. But before I bought that I went to U.B. and bought
a top for like, $14.90 - final sale too. So, yes.. I went past my
budget. Fml. I don't think I'll be getting my debit card any time soon.
I hope :/..

Well today is Monica's last day before she ventures off to her North
American adventure to Alberta, Chicago and New York City. Lucky girl.
She'll be gone for a month though.. :(. Oh and darling if you're reading
this right now.. don't forget my souvineer ! Thank youuuuuu : D lol.
Fuck, summer is so gay this year. Almost everybody is doing something
with their lives. Summer school... Vacations... Sometimes out of the
country. Omggggg, and I'm stuck here. I'm really starting to regret
not going to that Brazil trip for Hawaiian. Fml. : / ..I don't know.

I need to do something fun and fast. Come to think of it, I kind of
want summer to end, and September to start.. which eventually leads
to my debut next April. Ahhhh, can't wait still. Mommy and I are
already picking out my dress. I asked a few of my friends, but their
responses seem so "blah". Baaaare with me people ! .. Unless I go
somewhere else to get my dress. I do not know. I don't know much
right now :/. I just wanna go out. I'm so bored. I think this Friday
I'm going downtown with the girls. On Monday, I'm going with Alyssa
and them. Can't wait.. I need to get outta Mississauga. I'm so bored.
Summer's gay. I want something bizzare or fun to happen SOON or I'll die.
:(

Labels: boring summer of 2009, help me please, r.i.p. michael jackson

Sunday, July 5, 2009,7:47 PM

Stuck at home. : (

So it's official, my days are numbered before I leave
to Alaska. : / Oh shit. I really don't want to go.
July 15th to the 26th ? Hmph. That seems kind of long to
me. Someone save me. Please :(.
Andrew Felciano sucks because his bbq is officially on
the 20th.. and I'm not here :/. Makes me sad. I wish I
was there. Anyways, let's not talk about the negative.
Let's talk about the positive.
Yesterday, I went to Imperial Buffet on Dixie with Mathuri,
Andrea and Monica. I really like it there. It's afforable,
and good food too. : ) Loved the waffles/crepes. Craving
for more now.
Uhhhm, so today I spent it doing nothing. I slept in, I
watched a dose of filipino movies.. and that's basically
it. Now I'm watching "American Beauty" on channel 47. I'm
kind of multi-tasking, so I'm somewhat lost with the whole
story now... K, well I'm gonna go now, I'm going to my
cousin, Hazel's house. Byeeeeeeee.

Labels: american beauty, bored, grounded, more filipino movies

Wednesday, July 1, 2009,5:18 PM

Oh shit, I remember this.

Ohmygosh, I wish I had a boyfriend like this : D

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say
"Could be better." This will keep her on her toes,
and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as
a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze
hers really hard until she cries ( This will impress
her by showing her what a strong man you are ).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock
her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she`s
sleeping. If she is, say, "You better be." Repeat this
4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her
that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for
her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some
improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the
most. Then when she`s sleeping, steal all her small things
and break them, because jewelry is for pussies.

7. If you`re talking to another girl, make sure she`s
looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words
"Fuck you" and grab the other girl`s ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you`re taking her out to dinner. Drive for
mile so she thinks it`s going to be really special.
Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to
get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you`re
really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home.
When she starts crying and asks why you would do something
like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear
"... Because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "Some chick." Women
love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she`s cold... And not by giving her
our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look
her in the eye and say "If you don`t stop complaining about
the cold right now, you`re going to be complaining about a
black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she`ll have
to go to the bathroom ( They always do ). Leave immediately.
Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her
the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a
small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...
Why shouldn`t girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she`s fast asleep,
wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat
until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important
things ( Like basketball ).

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will
only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her
into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you`re in her house, steal one of her shoes,
earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one
of the pair. This way, she`ll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she`s about to order,
interrupt and say "No, she`s not hungry." Make her watch you
eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face.
Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your
smell on it ( But not a sexy cologne smell... A bad smell.
You know what i`m talking about ).

21. When it`s raining, keep asking her if she`s crying.
She`ll say "No, it`s just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn
to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you`re listening to music, and she asks to hear it,
tell her no. This way she`ll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don`t get her anything.
Teach her that material objects arent important. The only
thing that`s important is that she keeps you happy, and your
happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas
or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it.
Then, next time you know she`s coming over on a trash day,
leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking
out of the can.

26. If she`s mad at you for not calling her when you say you
will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time
of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone.
Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special
surprise. Now she`ll be really excited, then don`t call.

Labels: assholes

12:30 PM

HAPPY 142ND BIRTHDAY CANADA !

It's Canada's birthday today, and I think I'll be
going to Ribfeast with people. I don't know for sure,
I'm waiting for Andrew Feliciano's call, and Alex Da Silva's
pick up, but I don't know : / ...... Someone save me.
I'm bored. : ( My parents went to Mandarin this morning.
I didn't wanna go cause I'm lazy...

Oh yeah, yesterday, Andrew and Alex picked me up and
we were suppose to go to Ribfeast at Centennial, but it
never happened because of the rain. So we kind of stayed
at Alyssa's for a bit. After that, I left early so these
guys kicked me out/dropped me off on Hurontario and bussed
to Sq. One since Ariel was there waiting for me... When I
got there; the whole time we went around the previous stores
I last went into because I lost my shopping bag in one of
the stores. I don't know...... I'm fucking stupid like that.
Ended up not finding it. So now I owe Ariel food. : /

Joela called us after, and we bussed to her house and we
made s'mores and watched GMA. LOL, how awesome. Got kinda
bored there, so then we went to Ariels and we watched this
Korean movie called, 200 Pound Beauty ? Yeah. It's rather
cute. But we didn't get to finish it because Jo and I had to
go home. Well, I'm done now.... time to eat breakfast. Byeee.

Labels: ariel and joela, hb canada, july 1st, sq 1