S.

Thursday, July 30, 2009,1:24 PM

Realization

It's been four days since I've arrived back from Alaska; and it's so annoying. I really didn't want to come back home to all this "drama nonsense". I hate it. It's kind of like I didn't even go on vacation. Instead the whole time, in my mind, all I could think about what was, "What COULD go wrong while I'm gone ?" Seems to me, a lot can happen in a week, with or without your presence.

Ever since I've been home, I've started to feel so mad, bitchy, not-taking-shit-from-anyone-kind-of-feeling. I'm just really mad at the world. Not everyone in particular, but just all the bad things happening around me at the momento. I'm mad at the fact that some friendships are turning strained. I'm mad at my girl's ex breaking her heart, after three years of a healthy relationship; and just running away like it's nothing. I'm mad at the immaturity that some people do in order to get attention. I'm mad at the stupudity that I'm witnessing with some of my friends. I'm just so mad. Most of all, I'm trying my best to get through all of this slowly in one week, but I'll obviously be okay right ? One of my best friends, Alyssa, once told me how I'm a silent mourner; and that when I'm sad or down; it's only because I think about it, alone; yet I don't say anything. But when I'm around my friends, I know how to handle myself being sad. I do my best keeping myself looking okay. It's kind of a positive thing of mine.

One night when I was in Vancouver, I think I had a epiphany.. It was weird because when I woke up, it felt as if it were so real, as if it really DID happen.
I was at a party, drinking and somewhat tipsy. I did the odd move of running in and out of the house. I ended up running outside. I saw this soft, odd looking kind of guy, one of those guys that seemed nice and just a good person.. I somehow caught that person smoking a cigarette. I immediately ran up to him pushed them. I recall telling him how he was fucking up his life, and how I hated worrying and staying mad at him. I also said something about how I didn't want to care anymore, but I do because I don't want to watch him fall downhill. So then, that person looked at me, dropped the cigarette, and walked away. I just stood there like ??, and went back inside and witnessed my drunk friends attempt to hit a pinata blindfolded. LOL. A few hours later or so, everything seemed calm, so I walked outside and all I could see were police and caution signs everywhere. I heard an ambulance and I had no clue what was going on. All I remember is a girl coming up to me saying that someone died. I didn't know who the person was nor did I care, so instead of being noisy, I just went home. Immediately I went on the computer, and logged onto MSN. All I could see is all over peoples display names saying R.I.P., I was like, "OH it's probably someone I don't know. But R.I.P. anyway...." It wasn't until Alyssa msged me telling me who it was that died. I was in total shock. Turns out, it was the guy I pushed smoking the cigarette. I felt something sank in my insides. When I got up, all I could see was me wearing black at a funeral. Family, friends, everyone was crying. But then I saw some of his other friends, a few didn't seem to be sad. I saw one guy crying over him, asking "Why ?". I stood over his coffen and looked at him. I felt my heart was pounding hard enough as if it wanted to get out. Quick seconds later, we all somehow ended up at the graveyard burying him. Everyone started turning around and leaving. I was one of the last people to leave. I felt so sad inside, that I just ran and left. A few days later, I was outside my house, and saw a familiar person walking.. He turned around and it happened to be the same guy that had died. I was like, "What the fuck ??", ran up to him and was like "I swear you died." Guy just looks at me, and walks away, as if he doesn't know me. He then ran into a couple of his friends and ran away. I was like to myself, "Why does he look so different ? He wasn't the same person that I remembered.. " That was because he was somebody else; the other person whoever that was had died. I went back inside and was about to write on my blog.. until I woke up. I was literally in total shock. I thought my whole dream was real, until I realized.. The person in my dream/epiphany was alive. But his old soul was dead. Kind of how people change. And there's nothing you can't do about it, but accept that they've changed and the fact that the old them is gone; (I think of it like the T.I. song, "Dead and gone" LOL .. okay.) I guess that really told me something. If your reading this and don't get it, then it's okay, because it's my realization, not yours. I still find it rather interesting how some messages you need to know, come to you. I guess I'm done talking now. Don't mind me not making sense in some parts. Okay, bye.

Labels: epiphany ?, fuck you, vacation