S.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009,10:53 AM

I don't want this.

So many blurbs are running through my head right now. I can't even tell if it's a positive or a negative thing. But whenever I think about it, the outcome turns out to be all the stupid men I've been with in the past. All the damn obsticals I had to endure, all the excuses I made, all the times I tried to show them how much I cared, all the pain I felt, all the lies I had to make up etc etc. I could go on forever. But I don't want to be reminded of any of that..

I still remember my last serious long-term relationship, which was about 3 years ago. It sure has been long.. When I first met him, I wasn't that interested whatsoever. I laughed about how hard he tried to get at me, but then again, I was flattered. Eventually I accepted his offer and became his girlfriend.. We didn't talk much. He use to come to visit me after school some days, and it would be majorly awkward. I had many so urges on breaking up with him, but I didn't know how. But then there were those moments when he'd be so sweet and so nice to me. In a few months of time, I left him for another guy, which was pretty random.. I felt kind of bad breaking up with him, but on another note, he seemed okay with it. I always wondered why.. but I never let it get to me. I didn't know why I broke up with him at the time, I guess you can say I was totally bored out and wanted something higher. Sooner or later, that higher ended up becoming lower than I imagined.. And there I was running back to Mister Quiet, and interestingly enough, he took me back. Then on, everything was perfect. Never in my life, have I thought I'd meet someone almost as perfect as him. I was so in love. Better yet, I was really happy. My first year of highschool was a big deal for me. He kind of made the most of it. I was on cloud nine because of him. Everyone saw me as the "little girl in love", and I was falling in love fast. Fast enough that we hit a major speedbump because of jealousy. It wasn't always so easy. I started to lose half my trust in him. I did the "crazy-girlfriend-move" of watching his Facebook too hard, making sure he wasn't talking to any other girls. It was insane. I was insane. He tried hard to give me what I wanted, but I just let my selfishness get ahead of me, and it caused a lot of stress between us. Eventually, everything took it's turn for the worse; I had a plan of making him jealous, and thought maybe it would make him realize how I felt.. but sadly enough, it was a stupid move which ended our relationship. That started the era of my hardships with him. We were still broken up, but he managed to keep a constant connection with me, which obviously made it harder for me to move on. I always had a problem with him, and I would complain about it. For instance, one second, he'd be all over me. Then the next, he'd be with another girl. I fought and argued plenty of times with him; but he'd just shrugg it off like it was nothing. I was so offended, alone and heartbroken. But I continued to endure all of that, because I loved him so much. I never told anyone else and kept a lot of my emotions to myself, which caused me to push all my friends away. Everyone except Alyssa. She was the only one, regardless of my naiveness, that stood by me through everything. After a year of our breakup passes, I finally came to a conclusion about all his stupidity. I didn't want to be the girl always sad, always waiting for him, always wishing for him to realize. I needed to be happy again. I went over to his house and dumped everything he's ever given me. Every stuffed animal, every letter, every jewelry. Everything. The outcome of it all, made me ten times stronger than ever. I felt like I just finished climbing the top of Mount Everest, and no one could stop me; not even him. A few months later, we never spoke. I never wanted to see him or speak to him. There were a few times where he would try to come to my house, and apologize, or at least say his side of the story.. but I wouldn't give a rat's ass about it. It was only because I was so mad at him. I was mad at the fact that he gave me a year to realize that he was a pointless, pathetic, loser that never thought about anyone but himself. I wasn't impressed. I lost all my trust in him; and I had no intensions of becoming his friend, ever. The bitch in me started to come out whenever he'd talk to me. I don't think I ever had anything nice to say. But I didn't care, I was with someone new, and didn't want to involve him in my life anymore. Slowly after me and the new guy fell out of place. I came to another conclusion that I should apologize to him, or at least make peace with him, after a year of silence. We became okay after that.. yet, my bitchyness still reign on. So, nowadays; it's been different. Andrew and I are friends now. The past is the past, and I'm glad we're okay. I have no feelings whatsoever; I've lost all my feelings in the long run, but I really appreciate the fact that he is a good friend to me. I'm surprised to see how much he's matured since then. I still remember the last time I chilled with him, and he told me, "No matter how mean you are to me, I will take it. But I will always be nice to you. Think of it as me making it up to after a year of my mistakes. You are forever my biggest regret." Cheesy. Corny. Whatever you can call it. I gave him a weird look when he told me that. But then again, I'm glad he's trying. I'm trying to.. trying to be a friend to him. It's hard on some days, but whatever. If were okay, then were okay. I'm just blessed to know I've had one good guy in my life.

Labels: reeeeeeeealtalks