S.

Saturday, August 8, 2009,7:35 PM

(continued from last post)

"Your biggest mistake, will be your biggest regret."

It's been 2 months, with no contact or speaking terms. I don’t think I ever want to see him or be around his presence ever. How am I doing so far? I'm fine, living my life. He never gets to me unless I think about it. It's never really something sad, or devastating. It's more of an angry, hurt kind of feeling. But right here, right now, I don't want to feel bitter anymore. I need to stop this. That's why I need to get this out my chest.

I'm not anyone special. Nor am I willing to pull myself up to make it look like I'm any better than anyone else. That’s not the case with me. I've never been the kind of girl that's ever let man get to me easily. I'm usually the "hard-to-get", picky type. Not until I met him* (name will not be mentioned in this one). I don't think I've ever pictured anyone to be almost as interesting as him. Before we ever met; I've always had a mini crush on him. It wasn’t those “big deal” kinds of crushes. It was more like, an unsure thing. I just kept it to myself. Besides, I had a boyfriend at the time.. so why did it matter ? And what were the chances anyways ? So, at the end of the day, life goes on. One day, I met his girlfriend at an event. We instantly clicked and became really, really close. We would talk to each other via Facebook a lot. Most of the time, it would be about her boyfriend. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t surprised on how devoted he was to her. Eventually, she introduced us. But after that, my relationship with him was nothing more than an acquaintance thing. I never really talked to him, or anything. I was mostly happy for his girlfriend because they seemed so happy together. A few months later, it was her birthday and I was invited. He was there too, obviously.. and I think I spent almost the whole party with him. After that, a lot of things turned for the negative between him and his girlfriend; and they broke up. Automatically, I was there for her and did my best on being around, and helping her get up back on her feet again. She was there for me a lot, especially since I had my own dilemmas with my ex; basically, we were friends holding it down for each other. When I left Andrew, I felt like I was ready to move on with my life. Any obstacle that came across my way, I wouldn’t let it bring me down because I felt like a “new me”. Little did I know, Mister Whatshisface would come into my life. The last day of exams, Alyssa, Trina and I decided to go eat at his work for lunch. Coincidently enough, he was there working. He approached my friends and I, and we just talked the whole time until we had to leave. All I remember telling Alyssa is this: “Okay, soooo… I don’t know why, or if it’s just me… but I think, I’ve always had a little crush on him !” She looks at me and was like, “Are you serious ?? Wow….. That’s so, so ‘secretive’ of you !” “I know right.. Haha, ! Okay, whatever. Let’s go now.” Throughout the week, me and him would randomly bump into each other. I didn’t know if it was a coincidence, or if fate was calling us.. but I know whatever it was, it was random. Slowly, but surely, I started to develop a crush on him. Eventually, he started to figure it out himself, and we both knew it. We went on a date, and kissed for the first time. Then on, we dealt. We both thought that it would be easy… but it was harder than I thought. My parents arrived home from a monthly vacation in the Philippines, and came back to seeing me in the arms of another guy. That made my dad furious. Another thing added was, how we didn’t know how to tell his ex girlfriend; who also happened to of course, be one of my closest friends. Bottom line was it wasn’t so easy. Eventually we had to face them, and the only thing running through my mind was, “If we can get through this, then maybe we can get through a lot together.” After we went through all that, we were both relieved that we were able to move on with our lives. I was extremely happy. He was almost everything that I wanted in a guy. He didn’t even have to try, literally. I just welcomed him in with open arms. Whenever I think about it, I think it’s only because I had high expectations. I didn’t have a worry in my mind at all. All I knew was that he was a good guy, and he was exactly someone I wanted to be with. We were happy. I was even happier when he introduced me to his family, a couple of his friends, and his life entirely. In my past, I’ve never had a guy do that to me before. I immediately loved his family off. I eventually introduced him to my friends, who automatically approved. From then on, things seemed perfect; and it was almost everything I’ve always wanted. I was his girlfriend, and he was my boyfriend; we were happy, so what could go wrong? I didn’t know that at the time. But apparently a lot of things can. I kept my focus on showing the world that I found someone ten times better than my last boyfriend. Obviously everyone complimented us, and I liked that. So it didn’t really matter to me really if whatever problems would come in our way. There was a point, where I felt neglected from him, and thought he’d be fast to fix it. But he never really did. Just an apology and we just moved on in our relationship. To me at the time, I felt as if there was absolutely nothing wrong between us. But slowly, we were falling out. I don’t even remember a time where he and I ever had a moment where we just let out everything. I never told him anything how I felt as often because I was scared that he’d push me away… which surprisingly ended up being true. We broke up beginning of February, which sucks because Valentines Day was near. I was just plain sad – but not to the point where I’d cry every single night. I was just sad. I still remember calling up his ex, after a long time of no speaking; and how she told me that he was going to eventually hurt me. I didn’t want to believe it, but she was right. A few days later, I spoke to him, and after that – we somehow, managed to keep a good connection with each other. So, I guess… we were okay ? We’d phone almost every single night, and I was glad… but all my emotions inside, were crying out “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ?” I decided to ignore every single one of my complaints, and just went along with the flow. No screw ups were needed when it came to him. He managed to disappointment me at a few stops, but I would just let it go, because I didn’t want to lose him. But inside, I was just upset. Maybe bottling everything up inside, wasn’t such a good idea… because things between me and him, started to run around my mind became a question, “What are we ?; What are you doing ?; What am I doing ?; What do you want ? ;What do I want ?; Where is this going ?; What’s going to happen ?; What the fuck ?….” I just stopped and paused. We were going nowhere. I was nothing to him, but he was something to me; and I simply couldn’t give in anymore. I was wondering what was wrong with us the whole time, when really it was clear as glass. Things began to get even odder, and he started to change. He started to go out a lot more, late night partying, coming home late drunk as ever, etc. I, myself didn’t even know what other shenanigans he’d get himself into. He started to distance himself from me, and that was the only thing I knew. I couldn’t take it in any longer, so I let him go. I thought it’d better me as a person. But instead of trying to give myself a positive start. I just kept myself in the murky shadows, always mad and pissed off at the world. Mostly mad at him. I felt humiliated ten times more than I ever did than in my past. I had a feeling there was another girl on the side, and turns out I was right. It hurts to figure out the truth sometimes. Especially for me; someone once told me that I can’t handle the truth either way, but when I do – I still can’t handle it. LOL. But you know, it’s something I’m trying to change. It’s been 2, almost 3 months since me and him have spoken; but it’s okay because I think it’s for the best. Just a few days ago, I watched the movie, “500 Days of Summer” It’s such an awesome movie. I recommend people to go see it. I love it because I relate so much to the film, and the lesson that was said there. Like the one quote; “Tom, I know you think she was the one, but I don’t. I think you should look back, and not just at the good stuff.” That quote made me kind of realize something that night. I have so many moments alone, where I just think, and mostly it’s about me and him. It sucks because, I know what he did wrong to me, and I’m obviously still upset at the fact that it all happened. The only thing that holds me back is all the good times I shared with him. Like, it’s hard to forget. It replays in my mind like a cassette tape. I hate it. Like, I’m just tired of feeling this way. When I know the only thing that can bring peace to my mind, is him apologizing. Which he has done, but he didn’t seem to meant it in that way. I thought about it, and maybe I don’t need a proper, “I’m Sorry” from him; because that’s just really unjust for me, to wait for it. That’s why I think it’s better, if I’m the one who forgives him. You probably won’t be reading this or seeing this right now but, I forgive you. I don’t want to feel bitter or mad or sad anymore just because of one stupid move you did that hurt me. I’ve realized that holding myself back because of you, isn’t going to make things better. You don’t have to apologize to me, or anything – if we ever see each other again, don't be surprised if I'm okay with you. It's only because I’ve accepted that the past is the past. I hope one day, you can forgive me too – for whatever it is that, I’ve done wrong. I don’t remember or know what it is, but I hope one day we could be friends. :) I think its better that way. In the end life goes on, and I don’t want anymore negative vibes surrounding me. I guess I’m done. Everything will come into place. One day, I'll meet someone who'll sweep me off my feet and make me feel like a princess. But let's hope that's not too soon. For now, this is only the beginning. (y)

Labels: another version of realtalks