S.

Monday, May 25, 2009,12:08 AM

I need to vent.

I need to get this out of my system.
I need to get this all out.

At first I THOUGHT I was okay. Hmph, guess not. After seeing
you on Saturday walk around my pavilion with her, kind of
showed something to me. After screaming and venting outside
to Kevin kind of showed something to me. After taking my drink and
attempting to throw it on someones vehicle, that kind of showed
something to me. After having Kevin trying to cheer me up and
telling me how much of a jerk you are, kind of showed me something.
After finding out you left after 15 fucking minutes of walking
around, and not even staying to watch me dance kind of really
showed me something.. I'm not gonna lie, I'm still motherfucking
mad. And especially after witnessing you visit that day, that just
made me really blow up. Almost all my friends keep telling me not to
worry so much about you because you really aren't worth it. They tell
me how your a big asshole for doing what you did, and that I'm your
loss. And how eventually I'll find someone SO much better. Yes,
and I believe for that to be true. Cause fuck, I can't even cry.
I was even venting about how I couldn't cry. Maybe because I know
that eventually I'll get past this. I'm actually off to a good
start.. I suppose. But still I can't get past all this dissapointment
I have for you. I don't even fucking know anymore why I still care.
But I want it to stop. I spent almost what, 6 or 9 months with you ?
Except the other half of the 6 wasn't even worth it. I don't even
want to remember it anymore. I'm fucking done with you.

So for now...
Fuck everything. I want it back.

I want my movies back. I want my baby pictures back.
The ukulele I bought you in Hawaii, that I spent carrying
heavily on my right arm, I want that back. I want you to find my
hair clip, because I also want that back. I want back every phone
call, every text message, every Facebook/MSN message. I want back
all your 2-4AM phone calls after coming home late from a night
with your boys. I want back all your sweet talking moments on the
phone and in person. I want back all the times you would drive
me around in your car wherever, whenever. I want back all the times
you would bail out on me just so you could chill with your friends.
I want back all the emotions I've ever kept in bottled up inside
because I could never tell you how I felt, just because you never
ever told me how you ever felt deeply, emotionally and personally.
I want back a month of tears after our first break up. I want
back the small moments you and I would spend together alone. I want back
the times I would lie to my parents just to go and see you. I want
back all the bus tickets I wasted just to go over to your place
just to see you. The days I would get ready and make myself
look pretty just for you, to later find out you weren't
going to be showing up, I really want that back. I want back
those moments we spent cuddling together. I want all the lame jokes
I ever told you back. I want back the amount of time I wasted on
showing you my appreciation. I want back all the hours and days I
would go thinking about you. I want back my Christmas spent with you.
I want all my kisses, my hugs, my emotions, I want it all back. I want
all the moments I spent trying to show you how much I was worth.
I want back all the smiles, the laughs, everything special I've
ever showed to you. I want every tear I spent crying for you back.
I want back all the times I felt heartache because of you. I want
back all the times I tried to make you smile. I want back all the
hours you spent saying you'd spend it with me, but instead waste it
on other things. I want back all the times I'd worry about you when
you'd be out partying till 4AM, when I worried about you not answering
my phone calls, & when I thought you didn't feel the same way. I just
want it all back. I want my 9 months back. I want every thought, every
memory, every second that involved you and I back. I was never yours
to begin with right ? Then every single second, every single moment,
every single item isn't yours. It's mine. I want it all back.

Labels: another vent